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Friday, 13 July 2012

Something is... different...


I think I have fallen out of love...

I thought it would pass, this unfamiliar feeling...
That it was just the usual set-back after our last earth shatteringly crushing row.
That it was the same process as always and I would find a way to 'rebalance' myself, cope with the fallout, so I can go on, desperately holding on.

But so far it hasn't, and it has been at least 2 months now...
I lost track of time...

I told him, it felt different.
There was pain and devastation, as usual.
Emotional damage, as usual.
The feeling that my heart and soul had been ripped out, and after they had been torn apart, stamped upon and destroyed to within a breath of their existence, left for me to 'deal' with, the aftermath of the destruction.
As usual...

But this had been an annihilation, something was different.
The remains had morphed into something I hadn't felt before, something I didn't recognise at first.
Something had stopped feeling, stopped existing...
Something had disappeared.

I realised I didn't care as much anymore, and more astonishingly, I didn't want to.
He wasn't the one I would consider first anymore, before my own needs and wants, before myself, and I had become somewhat indifferent to his, to say the least.

I don't want to be there for him if it means I have to forego something of or for myself.
I don't care he has less or if his is not as good.
I don't care about what he wants: I will consider doing it for him if and when I feel like it, if I can see the point, as I won't go out of my way.
I have lost my patience, my tolerance, for any  shit of his.

So something has changed... and worse, it feels like it might never come back.

Trying to analyse this, I came to the realisation that this is how he must feel about me on a day to day basis, and for quite some time now too, as this is how he has been acting and reacting to me for the best part of our 20+ years... this indifference for my needs, for me.
And this is why he has been able to do the things he does, as he just doesn't really care!

He finally managed to make me become him...
Selfish...

The thing is, it hurts.
Like hell.
Like I have never hurt before.
It is soul destroying and is utterly depressing me and it has stopped me seeing the reasons for doing and be who I am.
It isn't me.
I don't fall out of love.
I do not stop caring.
I never put myself first.
I am not a selfish person.

But I guess I now am...

And I did...

I stop existing.



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4 comments:

  1. Hannah Imogen Jones18 July 2012 at 21:31

    Hello Darling T. I don't think there is anything selfish about you! I am so proud of you and pleased that you have released yourself from the need to place this person first. Relationships have to be reciprocal. You absolutely deserve to put yourself first and nourish, nurture and take care of yourself. It's such a huge, wonderful and important, significant step that you have taken, even if it happened by default. It's a funny one - learning that we don't serve the world best when we put ourselves as second best! Now, I believe, you have the real opportunity to find yourself again. I don't believe you have disappeared or turned into someone else! I believe you are a beautiful, strong, compassionate, understanding, wonderful human being and it is my privilege to know you. When one door closes, another always opens. We have to rid ourselves of the negative, in order to welcome in the new positive.You are always in my thoughts and heart. Love always and forever Hannah xx

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    1. T19 July 2012 at 15:24

      Sweet kind dearest Hannah, the beauty of your Soul is humbling and astonishing... Thank you for reaching out and touching my heart, once again. Your generosity always comforts me. Thank you for being there and letting me know you care. Wishing you warmest of wishes to reach you in good health and brighten your day, as you, as always, have done for me. X _@\_

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  2. Anonymous5 August 2012 at 11:24

    First of all I have to thank you for following me on Twitter and all your retweets over there. Since I'm not exactly familliar how everything works at that place (still), I'm not there that much.

    Now... your words here....
    After many many years of the similar thoughts and and experiences I came to realize that only through a passage of pain we may enter the world of love...(hope you'll like this:http://eclipseofthemoon.wordpress.com/2012/02/27/land-of-mirrors/)

    And nothing happens before we love ourselves a bit too. (that part is still hard for me...many times :))
    As I can see here, there's no trace of selfishness within your words.
    Be well now T!
    With love//Eclipse

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    1. T5 August 2012 at 20:41

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience and leaving such a kind comment, it is much appreciated and gives me some hope.
      Maybe I can find a balance and be there alongside someone for their needs, without losing sight of mine...

      It has and will always be my pleasure to make people aware of your beautiful poetry.
      Your words are comforting and move my heart and soul.

      I hope much love and comfort will find its way to you. X

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