Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Those Three Words...

he offered
those three words,
after he saw fit
to abuse,
his emotional punchbag.

I used to make him
those three words.
He never did before.
He said,
he couldn't see the point.

I really needed him
to feel
those three words.
To make him understand,
to realise,
to learn from his mistakes.

Now I don't care anymore
those three words,
they hold no weight,
they fail
to heal the damage caused.

He still can't see,
still doesn't feel,
those three words...
I never want to hear him
say again
those three, empty words...

"...I am sorry..."

Monday, 11 July 2011

She says the words I don't want to hear myself think...

"Arranging words in a certain way so they become... magic."
"A poet of eccentricities."
Olivia Dresher

I read Tweets more than I write...
They can help me understand what I feel, what I sometimes didn't realise was there.
I use their words to find what I need to see.

These are some of @OliviaDresher's Tweeted words, strung into a stream of my own making...

The hell of seeing/feeling but not speaking.
When profound feelings prevent functioning.
When profound feelings chase self into quicksand.
When profound feelings burn one up and down.
When expressing and not expressing end up being the same thing, eventually.
No matter how much I confess or express, everything still stays deep inside,
a secret.
The soothing sound of what I can't hear.
The universe doesn't talk to me.
But I hear it snoring and screaming.
I never take words for granted, or actions, or feelings, or anything.
Therefore, I never rest.
To think, to question, to search... a simple recipe for loneliness.
A loner, but a lover.
Once he touched her heart all the way, in a way no one ever has, how natural it was to break it.
Some things one never gets over or recovers from.
This isn't a deliberate holding-on.
(If something reaches in, all the way, that's it)
I can't imagine what I would be now, if I had never met you.
I didn't just taste your essence and words, I swallowed them.
What feels good doesn't teach.
Only what feels bad does.
What feels good, though, helps one endure the bad.
(The meaning of "help me"...)
When everything feels wrong
(the feeling of a desert),
there's a longing for just one tiny thing to feel right
(one drop of water).
Longing, a way of honoring the impossible.
She wanted to give herself to him in the same way that she gave herself to herself.
She loved the contrast of together/alone, together/alone.
It was the always-together or always-alone that broke her.
To feel intimacy you have to also be willing to feel pain.
Not knowing what you're feeling is worse than not knowing what you're doing.
I wish I knew, without asking, without feeling more pain.
It goes way, way back.
Every feeling.
I can't stop.
If you live from your heart, you truly never will grow up... for better or worse.
Learning the lessons of love, the hardest lessons to learn.
Lessons to unlearn and then learn again.
And then throw it all out the window, learning be gone.
She lost everything intangible that meant the most to her.
Now what's left is to give away the tangibles.
The preservationist, alone, not knowing what to do with all she carefully preserved.
The turning points...
The shock of finding myself here, over and over again.
Not only the shock of no longer being wanted in the present, but the realization that there was never any true wanting in the past, either.
Every time I try to accept the truth, I feel horribly seasick.
My mind is made for truth, but my body resists it.
When sensitivities begin to feel like curses...
Enduring the terrible is a full-time job.
This is where she writes about the shattered pieces of her foundation, and the whole piece of her essence.

With thanks, to  Olivia Dresher

Saturday, 2 July 2011

To all you Beautiful People out there, you know who you are: Thank You!

My Mum says I have the wisdom of a 130 year old, with the innocent heart of a child...

I am someone who, as said by those who know and have met me, is of a gentle nature.
Kindness, carefulness, politeness, respectfulness, fairness, trustworthiness and generousness are all traits that have been mentioned to describe me (as well as some that are not so flattering of course, we are all human).

I like to believe every person to be true at heart, some just made some bad decisions along the way and have to do what they can to survive, I just don't have to be on the other end of it.
And I do really want and try to believe this.
Even when these characteristics are misunderstood and seen as 'weaknesses' or I am pursued as someone to take advantage of...

So when I am treated without much respect or get purposefully offended, and people think I must be some kind of fool for being so kind and understanding, some 'push-over', I still try to be polite about their misunderstandings of my character.
I wouldn't want to make the wrong assumption about their words or behaviour, so I respectfully but carefully try to make them see sense, see their mistake, as I would not want to be the one to offend when standing my ground or putting my point across.

I have been told on separate occasions by different people, that I have no guard to protect myself from (energy) vampires, leeches, opportunists or abusers, and some people (out for a target) seem to 'smell' that a mile away, honing in on me, trying to fool me.
But I don't suffer fools gladly and when their intentions have become obvious to me, I will not stand for any of their nonsense or cruelty!

Don't mistake my friendliness and politeness for stupidity!
I understand completely who you are and what you are trying to do to me, I already know more of you from our (hopefully) short encounter than you will ever be able to understand of me, and 'easy' when crossed is the one thing I am not!
At which point they normally had enough of my rationalising and excessive come-back whilst trying to cut their utterings off at any given opportunity, to realise that their efforts should be concentrated on some other poor soul elsewhere... and soon bugger off anyway.

But isn't this Internet world a strange and curious thing...

It is so easy to misunderstand, when someone has only 140 characters, as on Twitter, to express their thoughts or feelings, or communicate with someone, as we don't see a face's expression, we can't read someone's eyes or body language, or hear the intonation of words, the pauses taken.

How someone so easily can make assumptions about someones intentions or character by seeing words that have not been written within those 140 odd.
And how funny these assumptions can be!
Only yesterday I was assumed to be a "male teapot", which caused quite a lot of laughing and after-sniggering and really was nothing that would have ever offended me.
I felt more for the person who realised the mistake!

Now, I do like my Twitter and mainly because I have come across some seriously beautiful people on there, but I always have this underlying fear of misunderstanding the meaning of those tweeted words, or of being misunderstood myself when in conversation with these generous gems.

So I have decided to do a Shout-Out, to all you wonderful people out there:

If I have ever done, said or wrote anything to offend or hurt you, I do sincerely apologise, from the bottom of my heart.
I am truly sorry for any ignorance, bad choice of words or lack of actions I am not and have not been aware of.
I do hope you will let me know if there is anything I can do (or not do, for that matter) to make it right, if that is important to you.
Because it certainly is to me.

All I can do is to try my hardest to repay your kindness and generosity and thank you  sincerely for reaching out, sharing your words and for letting me be part of your world, as your presence has enhanced mine immensely.

And no, this is not some sappy, emotionally artificial blabber.
Nothing is when it comes from a sincere heart.

This is just me, being myself.

Take it or leave me.

That's your  prerogative.