Friday, 13 July 2012

Something is... different...

I think I have fallen out of love...

I thought it would pass, this unfamiliar feeling...
That it was just the usual set-back after our last earth shatteringly crushing row.
That it was the same process as always and I would find a way to 'rebalance' myself, cope with the fallout, so I can go on, desperately holding on.

But so far it hasn't, and it has been at least 2 months now...
I lost track of time...

I told him, it felt different.
There was pain and devastation, as usual.
Emotional damage, as usual.
The feeling that my heart and soul had been ripped out, and after they had been torn apart, stamped upon and destroyed to within a breath of their existence, left for me to 'deal' with, the aftermath of the destruction.
As usual...

But this had been an annihilation, something was different.
The remains had morphed into something I hadn't felt before, something I didn't recognise at first.
Something had stopped feeling, stopped existing...
Something had disappeared.

I realised I didn't care as much anymore, and more astonishingly, I didn't want to.
He wasn't the one I would consider first anymore, before my own needs and wants, before myself, and I had become somewhat indifferent to his, to say the least.

I don't want to be there for him if it means I have to forego something of or for myself.
I don't care he has less or if his is not as good.
I don't care about what he wants: I will consider doing it for him if and when I feel like it, if I can see the point, as I won't go out of my way.
I have lost my patience, my tolerance, for any  shit of his.

So something has changed... and worse, it feels like it might never come back.

Trying to analyse this, I came to the realisation that this is how he must feel about me on a day to day basis, and for quite some time now too, as this is how he has been acting and reacting to me for the best part of our 20+ years... this indifference for my needs, for me.
And this is why he has been able to do the things he does, as he just doesn't really care!

He finally managed to make me become him...

The thing is, it hurts.
Like hell.
Like I have never hurt before.
It is soul destroying and is utterly depressing me and it has stopped me seeing the reasons for doing and be who I am.
It isn't me.
I don't fall out of love.
I do not stop caring.
I never put myself first.
I am not a selfish person.

But I guess I now am...

And I did...

I stop existing.