Friday, 20 May 2011
He "just didn't think" and my exclamation marks are out of control!!!
I like to eat blueberries for breakfast.
I have a whole punnet on 1 1/2 seeded wholegrain toasted bagels with cream cheese and really look forward to them each morning.
Even with the berries within date, I go through them one by one to make sure I won't be coming across any mouldy ones on my plate (Yuk!), wash them and then, yes, wait for this: divide them into 3 portions, putting them into 3 small plastic containers.
You might call this 'neurotic' (of course you would, then again, maybe you wouldn't, because you don't want to eat food that has gone off either).
I call it: 'Making sure I don't put something in my mouth that is going to make me throw it all up again and will put me off berries for life', and whilst I handle each berry anyway, I might as well split the amount into three equal portions so that my last half-bagel still has berries to go with it.
OK, maybe that last bit could be somewhat neurotic, but we all have our, sometimes inexplicable, preferences on what we do with our food, so there!
Anyway, these 3 equal portions go into 3 equally sized plastic stack-able containers, which are nothing more than those same punnets you buy your berries in from the supermarket.
They sit nicely on the corner of my tray and I can pick my lovely sorted blueberries, one by one, from them and put them on a bit of bagel before I take a bite to devour it.
Works much better than putting them all on the bagel and then trying to keep the ones you don't want to go into your mouth, to not fall off, so you just end up without berries on the bagel anyway.
The containers are used every day, and over time I whittled the collection down to one style I particularly prefer to use for this purpose only. (Did you read my 5 Min Chuck-Out post to explain somewhat about my collections?)
Well... this morning they were gone, as well as my back-ups...
I know I didn't throw them out, so that leaves only him, of course, unless my Doggy managed to open the cupboard and decided to go through my containers and couldn't help himself but to throw some out for good measure, or something, but veeeery unlikely.
You know 'The Last Drop' saying?
I. Am. SEETHING!!!!!
Again, that small minded, petty, self-absorbed, controlling and interfering Nitwit has to throw something out that is mine, and has nothing to do with him!
Just because he decides, for whatever unknown reason that that is something he should just get rid off, without asking me or even telling me afterwards!
And just because in his contorted way of thinking, he has the right to decide about everything that is in the house and has the misfortune of catching his attention, without any distinction between what is his, ours or mine for that matter!
So I am pacing around like a Caged Lioness wanting to attack and think about what I can do to something of his that I deem to be rubbish and just DESTROY it!
The same time I think about all the implications that could bring, the petty vindictiveness he is capable of that will make my life miserable and will hurt and upset me even more... but go for the Mug-With-The-Cartoon-Dog-And-Cat I gave him when we just had our puppy -which he looked at with this 'face', and then told me he didn't like the mug- and YEEEESSSSS: THROW IT IN THE BIN...
...after two failed times to Almost-Let-The-Mug-Go, that is...
I just hate breaking things, it really upsets me...
But it didn't break.
It. Did. Not. Break!
So, get it out and throw it in again!
Boy, did I misjudge the quality and strength of that porcelain.
Oooooohhhhhh I might as well get it out, wash it off, and put it back in the cupboard then.
It obviously wasn't a good idea in the first place, making myself sink to his level.
I have only ever thrown or broken maybe 3 things on purpose in my life, and all in the years I have been with him.
He just gets me soooooo angry, uptight and upset, no one else can get to me like that.
But that is his 'special skill': How to find out what really pisses someone off in a very short space of time, so immense amounts of pleasure can be gained from winding that person up by just pushing all the buttons until lift-off has been achieved!!!
I like to keep my control, not lose my temper, because I have one, but I was taught how to control it, so no one would had to have the misfortune of being exposed to something so horrifically childish.
No one should experience that from anybody, and no one should think so little of someone else to expose them to that kind of uncontrolled behaviour.
It only shows utter disrespect!
Although he thinks his temper is just something he should lose control of at will of course, resulting in at least throwing or kicking things, just because he needs to 'throw his toys out of the pram' when he can't do things his way. And that is nothing compared to what he is capable of when he really chooses to let go...
But it shows how angry he has made me this time... just so much disrespect for anything that has to do with me, it just was that last drop.
I send him a text: "U hv chucked my containers U R N ASSHOLE"
You see, I don't think anyone has the right to abuse someone in that way, especially as that is what he does, and nothing is safe, he will say anything to anyone.
Reply: "Oh afternoon then plastic collector"
WHAT?? Are you not getting how angry I am? I CALLED YOU A NAME!!!
Are you taunting and insulting me now too?
Are. You. INSANE!!
Me: "U HV NO RIGHT TO THROW THINGS OUT THAT ARENT URS"
Never Capped-It-Out before, surely he now knows how pissed off I am?
Him: "There mine I paid for them"
OH NO! NOT that one again!
He thinks that because he is the only provider and his wages pay for everything for us, it makes everything bought with that money his, and he has therefore every right to do what ever he pleases with "his" money and anything purchased with "his" money!
Even things he bought for me aren't safe for his judgement!
I did not even reply to that one.
STEAM is coming out of my ears by now.
I will not speak to him anymore, I don't want to hear from him, frankly I never want to see him again and wish I could just leave.
All phone ringers are turned off.
How does he think to just get away with things like that?
I pick up the phone and call him, because I am going to tell him!
He picks up.
"Helloooooo?????" with sarcasm running like waterfalls off that one word.
And. I. Explode!
After about 3 seconds he hangs up.
I would have done too, but how dares he!
I try to calm down, find something to stop me from being like this, in this state, but fail to find anything before I come back to look at the answer machine.
He left a message:
"I will not stay on the phone if you are just going to shout abuse at me, so if you want to talk to me you can call me."
He is right, as I normally am the one telling him the same thing.
I call him back, but won't say he is, that would be digging my own grave with someone like him.
He picks up: "Yessssssss?"
I try to think how to start and what to say, but all I can come up with that could be remotely safe is: "TALK!"
"I didn't think you would get so upset."
Aaaaaaaand I'm off again!
You didn't think??
Because there is nothing in our past experiences in situations like this that has shown you how I react when you throw MY things out?
Because never before have I stopped you, when I see you pick something up that isn't yours and that you were going to throw in the bin and told you to stop interfering with my things?
And because I also obviously never before have gone through the lengths of tipping the wheelie bin upside-down to try and find it after I discovered something disappeared again?!
AND all of this has clearly never made you think I would get upset again, when you do something like that again, for the umpteenth time!
You just don't think about anything that hasn't got to do with your feelings, period!!
He is seriously keeping his calm.
Quite unheard of and it makes me wonder if it is because his place of work at the moment doesn't give him much privacy, or if he is trying to not aggravate me more... probably the first.
After all, he is normally not that concerned about not stressing me out more, he would most likely just be egged on more by that.
Anyway, he refrains from saying too much, and finishes with the usual "I call you later."
"What for?", I say, still angry as hell.
"To let you know I'm on my way home."
Me: "Why would I want to know that?"
I always worry about his drive home.
Something can happen, and because he doesn't finish the same time every day, I want him to call me so I know how long it is before he gets home, so I don't have a need to worry.
This time, I just don't want to care. I just don't want him to come home, just stay away.
And this is happening a lot lately... these feelings of not wanting him to be here anymore, or me not be here with him anymore.
He used to go away for work regularly enough, but hasn't really been on a job that has done that the last few years.
It gives me space and time to breathe...
He never 'mends fences' anyway.
"Sorry" is only said because I make him, is therefore hardly ever really sincere, and is usually followed by some form of "...but you made me do/say that."
But at least it gives me some chance to deal with whatever he's dumped on me again.
The last few arguments he told me he is not going to say 'Sorry' anymore, "because he is fed up always having to say that to me".
Even though he is the one in the wrong.
Says it all.
Sometimes I end up coming to him to find some ease, as even though he is the one who causes my pain, he is also the only one I can go to with that pain... in the hope he doesn't push the dagger in even further. But sometimes it is a risk I can't stop myself from taking, even though most of the time the outcome is more trauma.
"But maybe he is kind this time", I tell myself, so I go and 'deal with the devil' and burn myself, again.
Most of the time.
He just lets me struggle with what he inflicts and keeps out of my way 'with attitude', lets me fester away, and believes that he just has to wait and all will be fine again, like nothing happened, as it should be.
I just have to deal with it.
He just waits until I start to act somewhat 'normal' again in his eyes, but not if it takes too long (more than a day normally, though lately he just about lets me have a day or two? Must be realising things are becoming more serious...)
Otherwise I will get told I am in a mood again and am horrible to him, because I don't want to talk to him and must be ignoring him.
And he will start to pick another fight, because I shouldn't still be upset about that thing from yesterday, surely.
That's just being stupid and so unfair!
Or is it my time of the month again?
(The sound of sheer disbelieve coming from my screaming brain...)
But I am still trying to deal with the fallout, on my own, again.
So many 'agains'...
How do I feel now?
I have calmed down, but am still very upset, and I wish he would call me or something, because the hurt needs easing... somehow... it is just so exhausting to try and deal with it on my own, and I am tired... I just want it to go away... not sure if this writing thing helps either, it takes up so much time...
But he is stubborn and rather not take responsibility for his actions, as he doesn't get the concept of cause and effect.
The fallout can never be a reaction to what he started, it is just me being mean for no reason, because what has happened is in the past and should stay there, according to him, or he has the right to kick up about it to me.
Of course not a rule that applies to him, but that is for another time.
I'm sure that subject will raise its ugly head again someday, and lucky me can write a whole new blog-entry about it...