Monday, 6 June 2011

Noun: Bitch-Pigeon > Someone that comes out of nowhere and shits all over your life. Metaphorically.

I got this one from @TheBloggess, as an answer to her request:

"I need the most ridiculous insult ever. Cock-knocker. Douche-canoe. Something like that. It's for Satan, if that makes it better."

@thisisroxanne kindly replied:

"@TheBloggess Bitch-pigeon. Its someone that comes out of nowhere and shits all over your life. Metaphorically."

Somehow it has been on my mind ever since...

It soooo refers to him of course, as this is what one of his mostly used traits happens to be.

Just comes flying by to shit all over my day.
Just because he can.

So here I am, really trying hard to get on with whatever job I am finally starting to get my head around and feel capable of doing.
Although they tend to be mostly gardening ones.
And even though I feel exhausted and can hardly stand up straight after quite a few hours of hard work, it is of course very satisfying to see the amount of change it has made.
Once I start, I just have to keep on going until I feel that that stage is finished to the point I can happily leave it like that AND I don't like to take breaks when things go well, as not to spoil the momentum (I just need to do that, then I will get a drink... oh, after that as well and I might as well do that first, while I'm at it sort-of-thing...), 'cause you never know, I might not come back to it afterwards, ever.
I get very easily distracted by re-prioritising, you should know.
And at the end, looking at the result, I can then honestly feel like I have accomplished quite a lot that day!

How nice it is, now things are starting to look so much less like a nursery, storage area or rubbish heap, or how good those plants look after they finally got planted!
Such great rewards!
It makes me smile, it makes me happy, it gives me purpose and makes me want to do more!
But mainly in the garden again, of course.

I feel so much better afterwards, even when I was really low before, the garden is one of the few things that can actually lift my spirits and make me want to get up (again) the morning after.
And finding motivation to do and not just think about things, is no easy feat for me.

Although, it doesn't always work out so well, that next day...
The hard work and not enough break/food/drink-taking when I'm on a roll, takes its tole on my energy levels and can leave me vegging out instead, trying to recharge for the next bout of energy that will come along someday...

But at least I got that day, that accomplishment, that satisfaction and new motivation, right?


He just strolls by, looking at me with this "WTF are you doing that for?" face...
Or the "Are you still doing that same thing over there?" frown....

Or he has a go at me about "Those things over there, why are you not doing that instead? I've been asking you for years to tidy that!"

And then he likes to also bring up that "the bit he helped me clear the other day, is now somehow full of other stuff again, so he did all of that for nothing then?"

And yes, as he keeps pointing out so supportively, I have bought and collected all of this stuff myself over the years and with his money no less (because I know I am going to need and use it one day, when I will get around to it!), so I have only myself to blame for making it so overwhelmingly hard for me now, and "By the way, is that yet another thing you have purchased with my money, whilst there is already too much of your stuff everywhere??"


If only he could not put a dumper on everything, not spoil the whole experience for me again, but just leave me doing my thing, letting me breathe, being happy I am getting on with something that makes a difference to me so I can do some more the next time, I might not want to give up every time, after I end up on the ground again, desperately trying to protect myself from the shit that just got offloaded from a great height...

All I want, is to do as much as I can with the situation I am in, sorting out what I can when I can, strength and health wise, and therefore slowly but surely gain enough control over my life to be able to live, not just exist and not be overwhelmed whilst battling anxiety issues and staving the drop back into depression off, because it feels like I might be sliding back down again, very slowly...

Maybe I'm just too tired of everything, have enough of it all to know the difference...

FFing Bitch-Pigeon...


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